From Liars to Lovers & Something to Nothing: Here’s Where I Last Left Off

I once heard someone say, don’t let people pull you into their storm. Pull them into your peace.

I wish so very much that I could say that’s what happened. But that’s simply not the case. Because by now, Aiden and I are parked out front of our dealer’s place. Something that slowly became our little ritual.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. We simply couldn’t stop. Because we were just as much addicted to the process as we were to the drugs themselves.

And by now, I was equally as addicted to him.

When one mistake turns into another and then another, I realize he’s not necessarily the storm. We both were. Because this twisted illusion of us being the people we said we were was a total fucking lie. But we were in love. And that’s enough, right? Wrong. At the time, I’d fight you to the death if you said otherwise. And a few times, I actually did. It’s just, he was the love of my life and that’s what you do? Nope. Wrong again.

If you remember from my last post, I promised to continue exactly where I last left out, which is exactly what I’m about to do. So I tell my mom I’m babysitting. And that the mom of the little girl I was supposedly watching was on a date. A date that would last nearly all night long. I mean, part of that could have been true. But it wasn’t. It’s merely what I had to say. Because if I didn’t, I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to see him. I also know I shouldn’t have lied. But it was a little late for that.

So our dealer, Schnapps, lived at home —I think with his dad and younger brother.

He was a white dude. Like Eminem. I bet he wanted to be just like him. But we didn’t care who he was. As long as he had the number of pills he said we could have, we were his best fucking friends. He and Aiden actually used to be best friends. In another lifetime though. Because in this one, we only used him to score more drugs. Aiden said he was bad news. Like we weren’t? I guess appearances are more important than you might think. Because Schnapps could have gone to Catholic school with Aiden. But he didn’t. Because he couldn’t.

Except, Schapps did start off there. But he got kicked out back in the sixth grade —all because of some girl. Evidently, he was holding a grudge. Because Schnapps was still pissed about the whole thing. And Aiden was a big reason why. You see, back in the day, the two of them were really good friends. Neighbors, in fact. But Schnapps was a troublemaker. A bad seed, as Aiden’s mom, would say. So from the getgo, if the two of them wanted to hang out, Aiden had to lie about it —kind of like what I was doing.

But then, they both wanted the same girl. Some blonde chick.

And that’s when their fallout began. Because that girl wanted Aiden. It’s just, Schnapps wasn’t giving in without a mother fucking fight. I remember Schnapps briefly telling me about this a few weeks back. I think he was trying to make Aiden look bad. He went on and on about the type of girl Aiden typically dated. And after hearing some of that shit, I remember thinking he’d leave me because I wasn’t really his type. Because Schnapps said Aiden almost always dated light haired girls. And I’ve always been a dirty brunette.

You connect the dots, Mace.
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Scumbag Schnapps was planting the seed. Trying to fuck with my head. Because he wanted me to pick a fight with his boy Aiden. And unfortunately for me, his plan worked.

Because every time we’d pick up from him, he’d say something else about why we shouldn’t be together. When I’d tell Aiden, he’d always say, “It’s only because Schnapps wants to fuck you, Mace. I also think he’s jealous that another girl picked me over him.” And that’s when the seed Schnapps’s planted started growing. Because Aiden left a bunch of shit out. Shit that Schnapps had already told me. Consequently, if he was hiding something from 10 years ago, I thought, what was he lying about today? So yeah, I was scared our relationship was just a phase.

Something out of convenience. Because he didn’t have to live a double life with me.

Because unlike his past relationships, I did just as many pills as he did. In hindsight, I think that may be why it felt like I couldn’t say no when he asked for more. Because if it wasn’t me, it would be someone else. Like another girl. And I wouldn’t let that happen. Anyway, he did his best to talk me down. It’s just, his best wasn’t enough. Because we’d go in circles. It was the same thing every time. “You don’t even like me. You only like what we do.” He assured me that couldn’t have been more untrue. But I couldn’t let it go.

We didn’t always fight. But when we did, it was usually pretty bad. Who am I kidding? It was awful. Because Aiden was stubborn. And apparently, so was I. Ultimately though, this night like most others, he got me to shut up about it —only after giving me a few extra pills to snort, which is pretty much how most of our fights ended. Because everything was about more pills. And if we couldn’t get any —well, it was a bad fucking day. Luckily, this wasn’t that. But there were a few instances where the town was either dry or we couldn’t afford them.

At least that’s what we told one another.

Because on those days, I think we both secretly scored. Because we each had our own suppliers and then we had some that we’d share. So yeah, sometimes, we’d lie about it. Because we were selfish. But he was a little worse. I say because this one time he actually lied about withdrawing. He literally pretended to be sick. He pretended so that I’d feel bad enough I’d want to buy his ass more pills. But when I found out that he had been faking it. OMG. I was pissed. Karma though. She’s a bitch. Because a few days after that, he really was sick. Withdrawal sick.

That’s when he calls me crying saying that I was the only one who understood him. I was the only one he wanted and he was sorry for pushing me away. I think every emotion he ever felt was being pushed to the surface —since he wasn’t able to get high. Because these drugs numb you. And when you’re without, you feel everything and nothing. I remember him asking if I could come over in the morning. He said he couldn’t start his day without seeing my face. I was a sucker for kind words and his were the sweetest.

Looking back now, how did I not see that this was just another ploy to get me to give him more pills.
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Because I think he thought I’d feel bad enough that I’d want too. And I probably did. Either way, I was being used. Deep down, I know he loved me. But when drugs are involved —especially opioids, it doesn’t fucking matter.

Because another time, we were on our way home from a long night out. Another one of our dealers (not Schnapps) had a party at his lake house. Since all of us had gotten pretty close, we were invited. And damn. We had fun. I’m pretty sure we did just as much coke as we did pills. And we did a lot of pills. Mostly because our guy threw us some for free. It was definitely the coke talking. Because then, he gives us a few more. And for whatever reason (sarcasm), Aiden had to hold them. I knew if I let him, he’d snort them without me. He promised he wouldn’t.

“I swear I’ll save them for us to do tomorrow morning.” But talk is cheap. Because he said a lot of things and then did the exact opposite. So when he wouldn’t stop arguing, I end up caving. I couldn’t deal with his whining for another second. Plus, I already copped a few extra behind his back. So I was good. The kicker, I later found out he did the same freaking thing, which I kind of suspected; as a result though, I didn’t have to feel bad. The thing that got me most was that if I was around, he was broke. You know the type. Anyway, we party all night. And then the sun comes up.

What do you think happens next?

Well, we wake up, have some coffee with our dude and his girl. Then, we head home. I had already snuck into the bathroom (like before we left) to snort one of mine. And by now, we’re in the car when I ask for the pills he just had to hold onto. Guess fucking what? There weren’t any left. But he promised. That’s when I freaked the fuck out. It literally made my blood boil. And my skin crawl. Because he lied to my fucking face. I was driving, though. But, that didn’t matter. Because all I saw was red.

I think we were going nearly 70 miles per hour on a major highway when I literally put the car in park. We swerve out of control and almost hit a bunch of people stopped on the side of the road —probably fixing a tire. I literally said, no I screamed, “I never want to talk to you again. I’m never buying you pills again. I never want to see you again. I fucking hate you, you worthless piece of shit. I knew this would happen. You literally just broke my heart.” It was like he cheated on me —at least that’s how it felt. And then, I open his door, telling him to get the fuck out.

We’re still on the highway and by now, those people are hardcore staring at us.

But Aiden wouldn’t budge. Around this time, I think someone over there ends up calling the cops. That’s when I decide to let him stay as I officially drive away. “You’re a piece of shit. You know that?” I think he did. Because this is when he starts crying. I was about to lose it. Pick a lane, dude. So I light up a cigarette trying to calm myself down. Spoiler alert, It didn’t work. Because we fought every second of that ride home. And yet, somehow, by the end, he had the audacity to make me feel bad about it. As if I was the one who broke a promise. As if I snorted the pills.

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It’s just, if the situation was reversed, OMG. I wouldn’t ever hear the end of it. That said, he did promise he’d make it up to me (probably by buying more pills). That’s when I ask how he planned on paying for them. 

And that’s when he answers, “I don’t know. But I’ll do anything. I’ll rob anyone just to make you happy.”

What the fuck? At the time, I thought that was sweet. Almost romantic. Like he loved me so much, he was willing to do anything to undo what he had done. I appreciated that yeah. But I was still pissed. So in the back of my head, I low key never trusted him again. Except, at this point, my heart was leading. I loved him so much. Because if I didn’t, I would have split a while ago. Eventually, though, he did make it up to me. His comeback was always bigger than the setback. And I think that’s why all of this went on for as long as it did. Because most of the time, he knew he was wrong.

And I think he really did love me, but those pills man.

They fuck everything up.

Anywho, back to where I last left off. By now, we’re still in Aiden’s car, waiting down the street when we get the text from Schnapps telling us he was home. We could finally come in. I think he said his dad was watching his little brother play basketball at some middle school game. They’d be out for most of the night. So we didn’t have to rush. If it matters, this was actually my first time seeing where Schnapps lived. Because he rarely met up with his clients at home —seeing that it was his parent’s house and they didn’t know their son was a dealer.

Also, I don’t think he wanted the sort of people he was selling too, to know where he lived. I definitely don’t blame the kid. Luckily, Aiden and I weren’t one of those. Plus, Schnapps knew we weren’t going to rob him —seeing that the two of them were friends. Well, kind of. But you get it. Because Schnapps played it off surprisingly well. He made it seem like he didn’t blame Aiden for getting kicked out of school. Because that little intro you read a few minutes ago is more important than even I originally thought. Because I knew a little bit about their history. But I didn’t know enough.

Because the girl that both of them liked back in the day was actually Schnapp’s first love.

She’s the girl he lost his virginity too. And Schnapps had her first. But then Aiden quite literally fucked it all up. And when Schanpps finds out that Aiden and his girl had sex, they end up getting in a fist fight on school property. Since Schnapps threw the first punch, he was the one in trouble. Aiden always played the victim. And thus far, it always worked. After that, Schnapps was labeled as the bad boy. A troublemaker. The bad seed. And yeah he was but he also wasn’t. The kid was heartbroken. All he saw was red.

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And when he came too, he didn’t even remember what had just gone down. All he knew was that a bunch of teachers were pulling him off of Aiden. And after a stern talking with the principal, he was officially expelled.

He was actually sent to another school for troubled kids who needed extra attention. His parents were furious and I think he became the person everyone thought he already was. So yeah, that’s a lot for a young kid to take on. That’s a lot to overcome. Unfortunately, though, I don’t think he ever did. Hence why he had been waiting for the perfect moment to seek revenge.

Because yeah.

Here and there over the years, he’d throw a metaphorical jab or two. But he never had the opportunity to retaliate in the way he wanted. I think his middle school self, saw me (our relationship) as the perfect mark to get him back. I don’t think he thought I’d actually bit. It was more so wanting to get under Aiden’s skin. Like Aiden took his girl away from him. So he’s going to take me away from Aiden. It made me a little mad when I eventually find all of this out.

Because essentially, I was a pawn in a scheme to ruin the guy I loved. Because it definitely ruined our night. But not yet. So the three of us do the exchange. We give Schnapps the money for a bunch of pills and then, we snort a few right away. Once that part was done, we were supposed to leave. But Aiden had to pee. I was feeling good, so, I wasn’t in any rush. This is when Aiden excuses himself. And now, its just Schnapps and I in his bedroom. That’s when I get up and look around. He had a bunch of pictures spread throughout.

I had been staring at the ones next to his bed since that’s where I was sitting.

But he had a few dressers on the other side with a bunch of frames resting on top. So I get up to check them out. I think I was using the pictures as a talking point. Because Schnapps and I weren’t really friends. We were getting closer and closer since we were seeing him more and more. But we were never alone. And Aiden was always there. Plus, we never really talked just him and I. Until now. So this is when I ask, “Who’s the girl in all of these pictures?” —as I pick the frame up to show him which one I meant.

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As if he didn’t know.

That’s when I realize she’s in more than one. Uh-oh. Maybe she was that girl. I think I hit a nerve. Based on his response, I quickly realize whoever she was, was a touchy fucking subject. Because as soon as the words left my mouth and his head meets the frame, he immediately tenses up. I remember apologizing if I over-stepped. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want too.” From his body language and facial expression, I could tell a part of him did want to talk about it. So he eases into the conversation. And this is when I learn (probably half of) what I spoke about above.

Around this time, he starts tearing up. I remember grabbing a tissue from the box on his nightstand.

And then handing it back to him. “You know you can trust me. I’m not going to tell Aiden about this.” I was trying to be nice. Because from what he said, this girl broke his heart. Having experienced that myself, I know how much it hurts. Because like him, “My first love also cheated on me.” I thought relating his shit to my shit could maybe help him feel a little better. “My dude basically had two girlfriends at once —only I didn’t know about any of it —until I was halfway through my first-semester of college.” And by then, we had already broken up.

“That was a hard fucking year. I pretty much cried every day until one morning, I didn’t.” The two of us end up going back and forth, sharing sob stories when I ask, “Did Aiden fall in or something?” That’s when Schnapps comes a little closer. “Who cares. We don’t need him.” Because this when he tells me, “You know Aiden was the one who stole my girl. He’s the reason I got kicked out.” At the time, I didn’t know that. I was a little irate that Aiden didn’t share this with me, which was the point. “You seem way better than Aiden. I hope he knows what’s he got.”

“And what is that?” I challenge.

“A fucking queen,” Schnapps happily volunteers. “You know you’re a goddess, right?” At the time, I didn’t. I never felt good enough. Pretty enough. Skinny enough. So in a way, I was flattered. But he wasn’t my type. And as you know, I was far too into Aiden to even entertain what this kid was throwing at me. But I didn’t leave. This is around the time I should have. I should have gone to find Aiden. Because at this point, it had been nearly 20 minutes. I do, however, get up from my spot on the bed. This kid was too close so I pretend to be cold.

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I just had to grab my jacket sitting on a random chair across the way. Unfortunately, though, Schnapps follows my lead. Dude, I’m not leading. Back off. But he didn’t. 

As I’m grabbing my jacket, Schnapps comes up behind me. He puts his hands around my waist and tries to turn me around so that we’d be facing each other. Right when I’m about to pull away, Aiden walks in. The timing of it all couldn’t have been worse. But it also couldn’t have been better. Because I was scared. What if Schnapps wouldn’t take no for answer. So yeah, I was relieved when I saw his face. At the same time, I can’t say the same for Aiden. All he saw was red. He was pissed. Do you blame him? I mean, he quite literally saw his boy making a move on his girl. That’s not OK —no matter the circumstance.

Because yeah. The kid was. He was coming on strong. But I was not. And Aiden knew that. Because he undoubtedly saw me pull away. “Get your hands off my girl,” Aiden shouts. “Mace, are you OK?” I nod my head yes as Aiden lunges toward him. “Who the fuck do you think you are touching her like that?” They both start screaming at each other for nearly 30 minutes. I felt bad. Was this my fault? Aiden urged after the fact that it wasn’t. “He’s just scum like that. And you were just trying to be nice.” Except, none of that mattered.

Because nice can’t erase that Schnapps was about to punch Aiden in the face.

This is when they literally start fist fighting. I did my best to break it up. But it probably wasn’t good enough. The only thing we had going for us was the fact that the room wasn’t very big. So there wasn’t really anywhere to go. The door was closed, which made “the ring” a tight squeeze. And when Aiden gets him in a headlock, I start screaming for them to stop. “Someone is going to get seriously injured and it’s not like we’re in a position to call the cops. Can you guys talk or something instead?”Aiden pauses for a moment.

Still holding Schnapps in a headlock, Aiden blurts out, “If you agree to never touch or talk to Macey like that again, I’ll let go.” Schnapps answers under his breathe, “If you can apologize for all that shit back in the day, I’ll stop with everything.” And just like that, they start to calm down. They talk it out a little more. And honestly, I think this altercation did their friendship some good. For once, they were both completely honest. Like all that anger and bitterness Schnapps had secretly been holding onto was now gone. I guess guys are like that.

They fight it out and when they’re done, so is the resentment.
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Thank GOD. Talk about a buzz kill.

After that, Schnapps decides to throw both of us a few extra. I was even more relieved Because the bad blood was gone. And we were going home on a positive no less. So we snort 60 milligrams and ultimately, this is when we finally head out. I was more than ready. By now, we’re in the car. We’re about to drive away when Aiden tells me, “The Mexican we had earlier didn’t sit well with me” —if you know what I mean. “Ohhhhhhh, so that’s what you were doing in there,” I reply jokingly. We both start laughing.

And then, before we officially head home, Aiden moves a piece of hair from in front of my face. “That’s better,” he says. That’s when he leans in, presses his lips to mine and kisses me. A few minutes after that, he puts the car in drive and we get the fuck out of there. Believe it or not, it was still early. I didn’t have to be home for a few more hours. And since his entire family had gone down the shore for the weekend, we had his entire house to ourselves. So we’re driving. We’re nearly there. And a few minutes later, we actually are.

I’ll never forget what happens next.

Because this is when he tells me, “I love you” for the very first time.

I remember getting out the car. I remember walking up the driveway and climbing a few steps on his front porch (you had too in order to reach the front door). I remember standing beside one another —when all of a sudden, he steps in front of me. Where do you think you’re going. That’s when I look up. That’s when I see this semi-serious face starring back. That’s also when he says, “Macey, I love you.” I remember him looking at me in a way he’s never looked at me before. “I’ve been wanting to tell you that for a while now but I wasn’t sure how.”

I was stunned in the best way. “I’m in love with you,” he adds. “I love you.” Honestly, it didn’t feel real. It felt like a dream. It had been a while since a guy spoke those words to me. So at first, I couldn’t say it back. Hell, I couldn’t say anything. I think I waited a minute —as he stands there staring. Waiting. What if I didn’t say it back. Honestly, though, in what universe would that happen? Because you guys know how I felt about the kid. I loved him even before he said it out loud. I think more so than anything else, I wanted him to sit with it for a minute.

I thought it would make me saying it back that much more special.

 

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It did. Because when I say it back. Damn. It was worth the wait. And that’s when he kisses me like I’ve never been kissed before.

At that moment, I was happy. I don’t know how it got so messed up after that. Well, I can think of a few things. Because dating an addict as an addict becomes a daily juggling act —between love and drugs. Happiness and utter devastation. Because what goes up must come down. I was constantly in a state of limbo. A permanent back and forth. Because when you’re dating someone with some type of dependency, you’re not in a relationship with just him or her. You’re in a relationship with their addiction. Mine as well.

Because love doesn’t actually conquer all.

A week or two go by. Things were still pretty good. My mom didn’t suspect a thing. And then, one night, Aiden doesn’t kiss me goodbye. He did that (or didn’t do that), after I tell him, “I’m not buying you any more pills.” And so, he freaks. He practically slams the door in my face and tells me to get out of his house. He was coming down. That’s when he’d get mean. Because just as the clock strikes midnight every single day, every single time we’d run out, he’d get like this. His eyes, vacant. His face, pale. His body, completely uncomfortable. That’s when he’d start to pace around —as if a dark cloud had taken over.

He wasn’t in there anymore.

And at that moment, and many others like it, whenever I didn’t give him what he wanted, he’d make it seem like he didn’t need me anymore, which made me feel like I wasn’t enough. As if he loved the drugs more than me. When you think about it, he kind of did. But that’s addiction for you. Because he’d say, “I love you with or without pills.” But his action said the opposite. So yeah, I was pissed. Apparently, so was he. Because I didn’t hear from him until way later the following day. It was only after he convinced his mom she needed to give him money, that he was able to pick up more pills. That’s when he called.

Like only after getting high, did he summon me crying —saying that I was the only one who understood him. I was the only one he wanted and he was sorry for pushing me away. Wow. That sure sounds familiar. That was his damn mantra. You could almost expect that every single time. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him how hurt I was when he did this shit. I should have stood up for myself. I should have seen these red flags. Because a healthy person doesn’t do this shit. When your boyfriend lies and cheats and steals, you break it off.

But I didn’t have it in me to argue. I didn’t have it in me to leave.
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Because I had been sad all day. I was sad because he wasn’t calling. But I wasn’t about to call him. So when he actually did, I wasn’t about to spend our conversation picking a fight —even though I wanted too.

But he’d always apologize.

Which made it OK? No. Not really. But like I said, his comeback was always bigger than the setback. Plus, at the time, I was more of the passive-aggressive type rather than straight up aggressive. Because a few weeks later, I find out even more bad shit about what Aiden was really up too drug wise, which is when I figure I could use some of it to spite him (it’ll make sense in a second). Because a few days after that, I get a call from Schnapps. Apparently, his older sister, who lived in Hoboken was switching apartments.

“She was cleaning her place and brought home a bunch of stuff she told my mom to give away.” I guess Schnapps went through it to see if there was anything worth pawning. “Instead of being selfish and making some bread, I found a few things I thought you may want.” “Like what?” I ask. He claims to have a bunch of nice silver rings, more pieces of jewelry he didn’t know what to call, and this random gold plated pen (among some other shit). He says he can come by and drop it off. ” And if you needed any pills, I got you.”

I was never the type to turn down free shit.

Since my mom was at work all day, I say, “You know what. I’m home alone. So yeah. Why not. Come on by.” Which is exactly what happens next. I knew Aiden wouldn’t like this very much. But that was kind of the point. Because I wasn’t the one who initiated anything. I wasn’t going to do anything either. But because Aiden was being a dick, why would I say no? Still, I decide even if I was doing this just to spite him, I’d, at least, tell him what was up. I didn’t want to start a war. I just wanted him to know that I wasn’t disposable.

And that I could get another guy if I wanted too. Like if he didn’t get it together, I had options. Not that I wanted this kid. Because I didn’t. I only had eyes for Aiden. But he made his bed. It was about time he lie in it. And he did. Because once I tell him my plan for the day, I could tell he was jealous. “I didn’t know you guys were friends like that. But thanks for the heads up. I hope you two have fun.” Yeah yeah yeah. He was trying to play it cool. But I knew he was pissed. “I trust you, Macey. It’s him I don’t. Just please be careful. And call me when you’re done.”

Aiden was working. All day. He did administrative stuff for some accounting firm.
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I was still doing the babysitting thing but not this particular afternoon.

So a few minutes later, way faster than I thought, I get a text from Schnapps, telling me to come down. He was here. I pee really quick (because I always have too), grab my purse from the kitchen island and head downstairs. My mom and I were on the top floor of our apartment complex. So to get outside —like to the parking lot, you walk down a flight of stairs, which were directly in front of our front door. And then that parking lot is straight ahead. You can’t miss it. Right away, I see Schnapps. I walk a few more feet and hop into his front seat. Then, we drive away.

We end up riding around all day. He had a few sales to make and since I was such a good partner in crime, he throws me a few pills for free. “Don’t tell Aiden,” he says. I laugh because, “That’s what I was about to tell you.” We laugh a little more and carry on. Honestly, the day was really fun. He even apologized for making a move on me. I told him there were no hard feelings —just don’t do it again. “And after hearing everything, I get it. It wasn’t about me.” I think he appreciated that. Because when it came down to it, he wasn’t a bad guy. Yeah, he did bad things but only because of his bad luck.

Anyway, this is when he throws me another free pill.

That one may have been to spite Aiden. But I didn’t care. A part of me genuinely thought he was just being nice. Because he knew I was addicted. He knew the situation with my mom. And he also knew I was broke. So in a way, I think he felt bad. Plus, Aiden lied to me about this very thing —like how many pills he’d been doing. Because Schnapps, who, for the record, was his main guy confirmed the very thing I feared. Because from what he just said, Aiden was worse than I thought. Like way worse than I was at the time.

And that kind of scared me.

Because Schnapps admits that besides the painkillers we were both on, Aiden also started buying benzos —like Xanax. And when you mix that shit, it’s no joke. That’s how a lot of kids die. Unfortunately, you can also die from benzo withdrawal. Because as bad as opioid withdrawal is, benzo sick is worse. At least now I understood why he was so hot and cold a little better. But it pissed me off to the core that he had been lying to me for the past few months —promising me that we were doing the same thing.

So why did I feel bad? I felt bad for Aiden. Like his person.
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I felt bad that I was doing this shit to spite him. Like on purpose. To my boyfriend. To the guy I loved. I was just as bad as he was. Except, I wasn’t doing anything inappropriate. I’m allowed to have fun too.

So why did I have this black cloud looming over my head all of a sudden? At the same time, fuck him. He needed a taste of his own medicine. Now, who’s hot and cold. Anyway, I want to emphasize that Schnapps kept his hands to himself the entire day. I made sure Aiden knew that. Because I probably could have done something if I wanted too. But I didn’t want too. I did, however, have a feeling Aiden thought otherwise. But I also thought that may be a good thing.

Perhaps he’d step up his game and be a little nicer when he was on drugs AND when he wasn’t? I say that because Aiden knew that Schnapps had what I needed. He had what Aiden needed. More Pills. It’s just, as I just said, Aiden was who I wanted. However, since Aiden couldn’t give me what I needed, maybe he’d want to make me want him even more. And my plan kind of worked. Because after my little day date, Aiden started putting in a lot more effort.

He even bought me a few extra pills the next time we hung out.

Which happened to be the first time I met his mom (more on that later). He said the reason he didn’t want us to meet before was that he was scared I’d say something I wasn’t supposed too. And that his mom would tell me embarrassing shit he didn’t want me knowing. But after the whole Schnapps ordeal, he knew he needed to do something. So this was a way to show me he was serious about our relationship. I couldn’t argue with that. Except it wasn’t all good. Because this nice kick was short lived. And the cycle continues.

Because he quite literally had me in circles. I can’t help but think, did I ever really love him? Or, was I addicted to the pain —the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable? Because yeah we were together. But as time went on, the real Aiden disappeared. He was physically with me but mentally, emotionally and spiritually, he was gone. It’s just, I knew he was in there somewhere, which is kind of why I held on for as long as I did. I was wishing so hard it would go back to the way it was.

But that never happened.
girl in flower medow

I remember the last week or so. His mom even had enough. Like she finally kicked him out. 

And when he had nowhere else to go, he moves in with his junkie of an aunt who had a revolving script for painkillers and benzos. No wonder why he wasn’t mad he couldn’t go home again. Because it was there that he lost even more of himself. But he was happy about it. Or so he thought. And me? Well, I lost the idea that shit was going to work out. But for a while, even when I knew it was over, I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t move on either. And just like that, before it even began, it was over. The moment I thought I belonged, I found myself back where I started.

I remember thinking, how the hell could anyone keep their sanity playing this game? The answer was simple. We’re all willing to die a little for a chance to be loved. And when we went from something to nothing, I thought I’d never be happy again. But I just kept saying tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better. Then another part of me would say, but what if it’s not? Which is when I’d say it again. Tomorrow. Because it might be. You never know, right? Because at some point, tomorrow will be better.

You just have to hold on long enough to get there.

xoxo,

macey bee

*names and some details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved. 

Thanks for following along guys. I promise that the pieces to this puzzle of my life will soon make even more sense. So keep reading and I’ll keep writing. Stay tuned for my next blog post, which will continue where I just left off.

sources:

https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/j5xpgy/the-daily-hell-of-dating-a-drug-addict

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4 thoughts on “From Liars to Lovers & Something to Nothing: Here’s Where I Last Left Off

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