I hate this feeling,
I am alone.
I fear no one understands,
I am not really—
Here is where I want to be,
But I am so far away.
I can hardly catch my breath
I can hardly handle the truth—
It’s the thrill I miss,
The adventure I so much desire.
It’s the unknown that kept me coming back for more.
This can’t still be true.
Ugh. But it is.
Except, no longer can deception be my middle name.
They tell me I’m a master manipulator,
I tell them the best of belief is the lie.
But I’m trying to take it back.
I just hate this emotion—
Or, lack thereof.
Paralyzed from reality,
My own personal hell.
I hate that I enjoy the numbness.
I hate that I miss the high,
I hate that I want its freedom back.
Truth, I’d roll down my window;
He’d push his foot to the gas,
As the car accelerated to an all-time high.
I felt the same.
Dare, I’d snort my pills off a dirty CD case,
And once the oxy’s effect began to take hold,
I was free.
I’d slowly loosen my seatbelt,
I’d stick my head out the car’s open window.
As the wind catches my long brown hair,
I choose dare.
Time after time,
I thought this was “the good life”—
I was so far from reality,
I had no grip.
It all started because I wanted to have some fun;
Then it took on a life of its own.
I threw everything away—
Just as I threw the smoked cigarette butt out that open window.
The good girl in me is—
As the once ignited flame flew,
It moved further and further away,
I couldn’t help but envy the disappearing smoke.
I wanted distance.
I wanted out.
I was a junkie with survival on my mind.
There was nothing I wouldn’t do to get high,
At the time, this girl had no name,
Even though, I had a shit ton of pain.
I know it makes no sense,
But that’s how I liked it.
I know it’s not fair,
So I try not to care.
Anyone up for another round of truth or dare?
You tell me how you feel.
You prove it.