March 7, 2012

Dear Mr. Painkiller,

Goodbye to you. I thought I’d never get your poison off my skin. I thought your toxins would grip me in and take me down, but today I am taking you and saying my goodbyes.

It all started with a blue circular pill. A pill smaller than a fucking pea. So how could one tiny chemical combustion actually combust me? I don’t know, but it happened.

A once whole girl is broken. Oh, the things I did for you.

It started out small, but over time things escalated, rather quickly. I wasn’t the angel I once was. I wasn’t anything at all anymore. Well, except a junkie. I excelled at that. Eventually, I isolated myself from the people who could get me you and those who couldn’t, I set aside. In short, I was in denial.

I simply couldn’t admit I had a problem because I couldn’t live without you.

I risked so much. But, for what? Another high? Another day to numb the pain away? I have to say goodbye. I stole. Any precious belongings I once had were gone. I pawned them all. They meant nothing to me if I couldn’t have you.

I literally sold my soul to the devil and I think it’s about time, I get the good girl back.

I thought you were my only friend. I thought you were my world. And there was definitely a time where that was OK —or at least a time when no one knew, but I can’t do it anymore. Oh, the stupid acts and talking back. I’d play the victim and act overly defensive, which happened to be my only coping mechanisms.

If anything bad happened, I had to get high.

Hell, even if something good went down, I still had to get high. I had to have all of you and somewhere along the way, you took all of me. When those who loved me expressed their fear or concern, I lied. I pushed them far away. And so, I want to say I’m sorry. I want to apologize.

I want them to know, even then, I didn’t believe my own fucking lies.

It all started at a party. And yeah, I used to have fun, but look at where it got me. I’m fed up with who I have become. I feel ashamed of what I did for you. I’m uncomfortable with the lengths I went too just to get you in. I’m trying to turn over a new leaf and become a completely different me.

I’d like to say thank you for the good times but I can’t. Why would I? You ruined me.

I don’t have time for regrets though. So I just want to say farewell. Except, my head means it but my heart doesn’t. I begin to think. I think back. I think about everything. Like everything I was running from finally caught up with me and I had to face it all head on.

It was hard standing there without you. And for that, I hated myself.

Honestly, I hated to even think about what I was doing —so anytime I would, I simply got high. Thanks. Thanks for nothing. I used to tell myself that if I had you, I didn’t need anything else. Essentially, you were my significant other.

I didn’t need friends. I didn’t need family. Except, I did. I needed all of that. But you were more important.

I couldn’t do anything without you. I used you literally over 30 times a day. I had to have you in order to wake up. I had to have two of you to get anything done.

I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. And I say that very well knowing that I was, in fact, my own. Part of me thought there was no point in even trying to start over again. I didn’t think there was a point in calling it quits. I had fallen too far. I was everywhere and nowhere. In short, even with you by my side, I still felt so alone.

I suppose I was just looking for love in all the wrong places.

I was searching for this missing void that I never did find. So I thought numbing everything away was better than the chaos inside my head. You made my problems disappear. But in all reality, you were the problem.

I’m not blaming you because I know it was all me.

But that doesn’t make saying goodbye to you any easier. I know I make things more complicated than they have to be. And honestly, that’s probably why I stayed with you as long as I did.

But I mean it when I say I’m done for good. I have too.

Except for the longest time, I couldn’t tell if you were killing me or making me stronger. I see now that you were slowly draining everything good from me. And I let it happen. It hurts like hell now, but I know what I have to do.

They say sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

And boy do I agree. I just never thought I’d be here writing this to you. I never thought we’d met or stay together for as long as we did. But there I was. Here I am.

It’s time. I know it’s time.

And so, as the scent of stale cigarettes begins to fill the air, it takes hold but I see now, I can release the final fragrances of yesterday. And so, I open up my window and a gust of wind lets out. It lets out that old lingering scent even though it tries to stay.

It doesn’t want to all the time, but it has too, and so it does.

Its venomous potency attempts to loiter, but as yesterday has come and gone, tomorrow will come with a breath of fresh air. And so I’m taking you far away. I’m throwing you out that window. I’m forcing you down the drain.

Because this is where we say our final goodbye.

xoxo,

macey bee